you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
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