so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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