Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
