I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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