Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Randomize
