uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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