Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Randomize
