So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
