I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
