Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
