she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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