In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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