Fine. I'll sleep in my office
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Randomize
