In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
