I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I wear drunk well.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
