How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
