Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Randomize
