OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize