mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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