On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Randomize
