After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Randomize
