Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Dick very happy bro
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize