What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
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