thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
