Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
