Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Randomize
