Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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