I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
