I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
