Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Randomize
