I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
