does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
