The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
