He told me they were just razor bumps!
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
