Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
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