someone threw a dead crab at me
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
