I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
