Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
