I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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