he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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