People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
