When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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