my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
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