my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
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