I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
