I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
