i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
