you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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