I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
