You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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