Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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