Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
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