The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize