my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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