I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
