just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
